Okay. Try to forget my corny smile in that feature image.
Business first, yes?
I remember that the reason I started blogging was to eviscerate. It was not supposed to be about anyone else but me. My truths, my opinions… life according to the gospel of me. I often wonder if I have strayed from that path. If I have maybe made this blog about the thoughts and opinions of others. I hope not.
This post is a very true story. I haven’t really talked with anyone about it and it eats me up. But that’s what this blog is there for. A platform for me to purge, cleanse, speak the way it is in my mind. And the purging starts now.
Early this year, I had to go for a job interview. Now, this job wasn’t anything I was used to, but still, a try was worth it. That was where I met my first real male friend. Not friend according to how others will have it. Not like it is with my female friends. A male friend that I could totally be myself with, tell anything to, drink with, be “not nice” with. A male bestie. This male friend was in a position of authority. It was obvious from the first meeting that we would click. As friends, of course. It was never like the corny boss and employee stories. He encouraged me, pushed me, was there for me, celebrated all I am and could be. He wasn’t perfect, but he was the best.
Now, when I started on this job, none of the women liked me. I had no problems with the men… they were cool, friendly, polite. But the women… it was war. From my first week. I would stand behind doors and listen to them talk about me. I would go to conference rooms for a private second and people would be sitting in those conference rooms, conferencing about me. This was my first time experiencing such toxic behavior and it threw me off a bit. But my friend, he was there. He was the reason I came to work everyday. Him and his ideas for the company. He made me believe in his vision. His vision became my vision and despite how hard it was to function in that place, I did all I could to make it happen. I stayed late nights. Almost everyday. Because I believed in me, in him, in the company. It didn’t matter how many times the other women would make snide comments about me, I would walk the corridors with my head held high because I knew that my friend had my back. Sometimes after work, we would sit with his other friends and drink wine or coffee and just talk. I learned a lot and I loved these sit outs. He said the reason why the other women did not like me was because I was taller, more intelligent, more beautiful… special. He always said that. That I was special. He treated me special too. Never broke any rules, never had to be partial or unfair to anyone else, but still managed to make me feel different. And not in a romantic way. This is a story of true friendship. He was a true friend. And I was one to him. I was the only one who would go near him when he was in one of his moods. I could talk to him, make him see reason. He could bounce his ideas off me. I was even privy to personal parts of him that no one was. When he was sad or low, he would reach out for me, and I was there. I understood him. Knew him. For all the times he was in moods, I didn’t label him depressing. For all the not so nice things he would say and we would laugh about, I never once saw him as an asshole. I mean, no one is perfect. Appreciate the good and flip the bad, right?
Then something happened to me, and for weeks, I was depressed. I was sad. Moody. One minute I would find a reason to smile, the next minute, I would falter. To be fair, my friend, he was there at first. But when I wouldn’t smile like I used to, or be bothered with my crazy hairstyles or make-up or clothes, he disappeared. I would reach out, and he would lash out at me. This was when one of the women in office who categorically stated that she “hated me at first sight” came in. In retrospect, I often wonder to myself how he could call himself my friend and still smile and laugh with a person who hated me for no apparent reason but other than the fact that I was me. She started to get close to him. I was previously aware that my relationship with my friend was always talked about. They wondered about us, and why we clicked so. They also wanted a piece of him, they wanted control and recognition. So that woman, she made her way. She started buying more clothes. Started paying particular attention to her dressing and make up. Changed her hair bi-weekly. Starved herself to be as thin as me. Went to his office all the time. Sat with him. And boom. It worked.
My friend… he changed. Talking with him became hard. He, who had never spoken disrespectfully to me regardless of his position or moods, started being rude to me. I would enter his office, and he would roll his eyes. He would dismiss me nonchalantly. He would Ignore me. We never sat out again. Never talked. Everything that made me want to get out of bed and rush to work, was gone. My buffer, what made me able to ignore the other mean ladies, was taken from me. My intellectual sessions, my little learn-as-you-go sessions with him were gone. He now turned to this girl. This girl who cannot be compared with me. Who only pretended to learn because she wanted to get him. Because he couldn’t stand to be there for me when I was sad, he went divergent.
Now, the time when we were close, I never took advantage of my friendship with him. Was never rude to anyone. Never spoke out of turn. I composed myself. I didn’t want people to say that because I was friends with the boss, I was misbehaving. I wanted to protect him and us. But the moment he became close with this person, poof! He started being talked about by people who had no right to even pronounce his name much less talk about him. That girl, she was ruining it. Everyone started saying he was being unfair to them in one way or another. And to be fair, he kind of was. That girl would do something wrong, and he would back her. He wasn’t his logical self anymore. The work environment, it changed. Now see, even as this was happening, I didn’t yet hate him or her. Since we weren’t romantically involved, it didn’t matter to me who he chose to sleep next to at night. But I would sit in my corner and listen to people talk about him, my friend, my once glorious friend, and I would get so pissed at him for it all. The girl wasn’t mature enough to handle a relationship with the boss. She was rude, spoke out of turn, was bitchy to people. Called his name wherever she went, made unnecessary references to him. If at all, she made people suspicious. It was horrible. And one day, I cried. Not for me. But for him. And what he had let happen. And to be sure, the girl, she was in control. She could go home whenever she liked. She finally had what she wanted. Her and her friends, they ran the place. Their plan, it worked. You see, unlike the way it was with us, it was never about true friendship, loyalty, knowledge, companionship or any of those things. It was all wrong. And it back fired.
Now, he’s sat me down many times and told me that nothing happened. That he isn’t or wasn’t attracted to her. That he only wanted to “help her grow”… but wait, at the expense of us? Was our friendship worth it? My problem is not with the fact that he may have been into her, it’s for the fact that even though he might have been into her, our friendship suffered. Why? We didn’t make magic anymore. I didn’t learn all I used to. I didn’t have a buffer for the acid in the atmosphere. I was left on my own and gawd, I suffered. All because I got sad and didn’t feel like using lipstick anymore. It did not have to be so. He called me ugly. Indirectly implied that I stole people’s chances of shining from them. Called that girl a superstar. Made me look like the rag doll that was thrown out the window. Made people talk about me. Disbelieved me. He started believing them instead of me even though he knew that I was right. But most of all, he quit believing IN me. Did not see me as a firecracker anymore. And that one, it really hurt. I started to question myself and my abilities. I started to look at that girl to see if she were more intelligent than I. Something I have never done in my whole life. And notice how my focus was only on intelligence and not looks. Because it is mostly what matters to me. I have always been the confident one but feck it, he made me question me. The girl would try to copy my hairstyles, use my lip colour, carry her laptop and little book around, just the way I carried mine. Everything she did with him, it looked exactly like how it was with him and me. The fact that she says she likes football, I think she made that up because he likes football too. I think it was all a supreme plot. And to what end?
Why am I writing this post?
Because I am angry and weak. Because even though all of that looks like it has ended and he’s trying a bit to be like how it was before, I cannot bring myself to make it work. I cannot forgive him, I doubt I ever will. For leaving me when I was down, taking away my bragging rights, for doubting me even for a minute, for taking my special and giving it to another, for calling her a favourite, for the psychological toll it took on us all, for our friendship that he sacrificed and which I think will never be like it was before… shit, I can’t forgive all that. I find it hard to believe what he says to me anymore much less believing in him. I have lost motivation to do my job and guess what? Those girls? They even hate me more than ever. Maybe they think I had something to do with him displacing them.
In all of this, the only thing that I am glad about is that my friend, he is not blinded by them anymore. He has seen them for what they really are. And he is more critical of his decisions, which is good for the work place. He is maybe a bit like before, but I am not enchanted by it anymore. I offered him loyalty, he threw it in the mud. How does a person come back from that? And after he displaced me from my special, and is trying to be friends again with me, what about my displacement? The stigma. The mud slinging. What about my lost sense of self? Tell me, how on earth do I forgive that? That a person who knew me suddenly woke up one day, doubted me whom he knew very well and believed a random other. An other that never mattered before.
See. Myself is all I have and I take great pride in my honesty and originality. Now if you know this about me, and still find room in your heart to doubt me… then goodness, you have done me an immense wrong. Because knowing me is a process. You cannot just know me and then unknow me. You would have to have been faking it from the very start. And to think that all the time we spent as friends was all a joke, meant nothing to him, ah… my time, my heart, my loyalty, my defending him to people, my looking out for him, my belief… how can I forgive that? How can I look at that girl and not feel like strangling her? How can I look at them both without tasting the bile in my mouth? Please… if there is way to get around it, someone should tell me. I want to. But my soul can’t. My soul is such it can only take one of certain things. The Fat Lady in my head is very cold about this issue. How, and if she will ever grow warm, I don’t know.
Now I hear she’s remorseful and wanting her “position” back. Personally, I think they should just settle their quarrel and get on with it. I don’t care anymore. The magic is gone. And I honestly don’t mind it. Magic is physics. And physics is something I’m very good at. Which means I can create it whenever I want. And I will, to be sure. Just not here. Not with these people. Who “killed” me. Who care not for who I am. And who still want to end me. Now they want me to work, to shine, be a superstar? But how can I, when it was all taken from me? I care about him, to my mind, he will always be my friend. I cannot do him harm, or watch harm come to him. I laugh and I joke with him partly out of habit and partly because really, life is too short. But how to get around the tear in our fabric of friendship, how to get back on my perch of special… I am lost.
Somebody. Anybody. Please. Tell me that I’m not overreacting. That my ramblings make sense. That I am understood.
But hey, I wrote.
And because I wrote… I will be fine.
Aye, I will.