My own lab rat.
Doesn’t matter the experience, good… bad… bizarre… I always take the plunge. I don’t believe in learning from the experiences of others. How can? What person out there is exactly like me? And since no one is exactly like me, why should the person’s outcome be a yard stick to be used in measuring mine? Why should I subject myself to that kind of safe imprisonment?
I do not know whether it is stubbornness or vain arrogance or just a plain gene default… but I always believe my outcome will be different.
Then this mad curiosity envelopes me, until I become the dare devil that other dare devils make faces at.
It is as though I have a death wish.
Deep down I know that I could get either really hurt or very shocked by whatever experience. Still, I progress. I can’t stop. I want to feel it all. And then when I get hurt, I know that it’s my fault. For I saw the markers. I read the signs. The fat lady in my head screamed and screamed at me to stop.
But I didn’t.
To be clear, it makes the hurt easy to bear. The fact that I could’ve avoided it but did not on purpose, it makes the pain go away fast. Because I can blame no one but myself. And blaming myself makes me unhappy and takes away my peace of mind. And I absolutely cannot deal without that peace. So I have no choice but to chin up, let the tide of pain pass, and go on being my happy self again. As quickly as possible. For my peace’s sake.
This had made me have a lot of experiences. And it has made me stronger. When I see others going through the same kind of things, I just shake my head and go “Been there, done that”. It has made me smarter, more aware, it has sharpened my instincts to an amazing level, removing fear, casting aside certain inhibitions. It has made me a a different sort of invincible. It means that no one can hurt me, unless I let them. It has made my heart a rubber ball… bouncing back, no matter how hard the kick was.
When I cut my feet open with a blade to bring out the nail that was stuck in it…
When I went to see him even though they were shooting everywhere. I just wanted to make a point. And that bullet whizzed past my ear…
When I shaved all my eyebrows off. I wanted to feel like an “egg head”…
When I let him kiss me… my bearded monster… and I shouldn’t have, but it was like a moth to a flame… and I wanted to…
When I told him that I loved him… my soundboard… because I did… even though I did not need to. I wanted to be able to say that I had done it… said IT first… seen the outcome… prove to the rest that people were different… and I did it… but it was not epic… and no… I do not understand him, or maybe I do, but it does not matter any more. He did not realize what I was giving… my life force… my essence… and I wanted him to have something to wake up each day for… I did not want anything for me… I wanted for him… I did not want him to die… to fade into nothingness… I wanted him to see the other side… to be happy. But that moment, forever lost. Am I sad? I don’t know. And I know better. And I smile about it. And I don’t understand myself. Heh heh heh.
When my insides were bleeding and I took that long walk… I wanted to save her… and I did… and my pain… it did not matter…she was safe. And when I closed my eyes… I knew she opened hers. And it was worth it.
Some of my experiences… all the parts of me…. I am my own lab rat.
Indeed. YES, I am.
And why am I breathing fast?
The heck do I know.
My own Lab rat… Aye, that I am.