Oh I am terribly sorry… my WordPress family…
How you can so quickly push aside the ones that genuinely care about you. This is something I always hate when people do… and now… me… I did it on here. To my family… to the ones that made sense of my ramblings… to the ones who did not “buy” me straitjackets… to Rob… Paola… CC… so many. But maybe I will be forgiven after this post.
You see… the reason I have sort of been away is because a lot has been going on in my life. A whole lot. Maybe later I will fill you in on the exact happenings but this post is about the way that I have felt this week, up until this point. These feelings are the first of their kind in my life and it is only fair that I share them with you since I promised evisceration. Not fun, but do it I will.
So this week:
*I have not felt strong…
I dunno why… I cannot put my finger on the exact event(s) that led to it but for the first time in my life, I have felt utterly, unbelievable, painfully weak.
*I have not felt useful…
There is nothing worse than waking up one day and finding out that you are of no relevance… that in some way, you no longer matter in the way you used to. And so I have found myself mentally sitting on my hands lately. It makes me feel sooo weak… I want to perform my usual magic… but I have not seen an avenue… nor have I been given a reason.
*I have not felt beautiful…
No… I have not had acid poured on my face or anything. And maybe I still look like me… But beauty to me has never been about my face but my mind. And since I have not felt very useful… and my brain/mind gives me this useful feeling… then I cannot feel beautiful. I have not felt a mental orgasm this week. I feel like a man who cannot get it up. I see others around me and their little light frightens me. It makes me wonder if I have lost mine or if it never existed or if I will ever get it back. I feel like I have been lied to by the many people who have always told me that I am different, special. I do not feel that way this week. And since I have no one to talk to, it has festered. I am walking around and smiling and making jokes because if I somehow stop, if for one second I let it overwhelm me… the people who depend on me to be happy, the ones that my jokes tickle, how will they feel? And me? Me… I might not be able to weather it on my own. I just want to be invincible. I want to go to Mars… inhale the red mist… I want to escape.
For someone who has always been sure of things about her, these feelings… they scare me shitless. I lay awake last night trying to make sense of it. It is like I am living outside of my body… observing myself and others.
What do I do?
How do I make this right?
The answers never come.
You will discover that when it comes down to the way you feel on the inside… you are on your own. You might ask “Why does she not just talk to someone?”
But see… after all is said and done, No one really gives a damn. And so you just have to build your own ship and sail to your own home of sorts like Odysseus in The Odyssey. And I swear… I hate the way I am created. I feel everything on some astronomical levels. Nothing is fickle, nothing is gaming. I serve it up the way it is. I cannot pretend for the life of me and this makes living hellish. Assuming that I were good at playing charades… maybe, just maybe I could’ve ridden this one over without doing a post about it. But alas….
I will say this though… writing this has made me feel tons better. At least it is out there. Maybe tonight I will sleep better.
I love you guys(fountain of emotion and intensity that I am)… so you know I mean it.
Next week is a date.
And yes, today, I get to catch up on all the posts I have missed… Something to be cheerful about.