Right now, I am listening to “It Ends Tonight” by The All-American Rejects… I am in no particular mood… but yesssss… my soul is soaking up the delicious song.
Sometimes there is no separating me from my mind. Some days I find that I am more mind than body. Sometimes I find myself drowning in the abyss that I have created. The same one that I warn people not to get lost in.Thoughts and words of old and new, my experiences, my loses, my gains… thick as cake batter, I drown in them… glorying in their weird beauty. No one can save me but me. And when my soul has had its fill, it will float me… I know… it will float me.
So I don’t have a lot to ramble about today. Or maybe I do, but don’t want to dabble into wordiness. I only just want to point out something that struck me in the shower last night. About humanity. And about what drives us.
Yes… the need to be loved is the singular most powerful force, governing our existence, coloring our decisions, precipitating our actions. Just hand me some good ol’ lovin’. We don’t care where the love is coming from, just as long as we get it. Real, solid love. That unwavering kind. The type that makes a person give up their life for another. The kind that fills your tummy up when there is no food. The kind that by the sheer intensity of it, brings tears to your eyes.
Why do we wanna make more money? Why do we strive to be the general definition of good? Why are most people scared of being their real selves? Why do we work out? Wear good clothes? Why do we do some of the crazy things that we do? Why do people steal? Why do they kill? Why do they break down in tears or scream for joy? Why do we break up with one person to be with another, or to be alone? Why do women shave their legs? Why does mental illness exist? Why do politicians campaign? Why oh why does caviar exist? Why does art sell? How did Charles Bukowski combine alcoholism with the creation of such profound pieces simultaneously, what was his muse? Why did Hitler do all he did? Why did Mandela fight for freedom? Why did Martin Luther King fight for equality? Why are most(if not all) generalizations false and why are most concepts of living, dubiously relative? Why does gray exist alongside black and white? Why do you exist? Why am I blogging? Why are you reading?
By the time you answer all these questions, research diligently, go through a process of logical subtraction and elimination, searching deeply into your soul and getting to the root of it all, you will see and come to understand that yes, love(self-love is included… it is after all a type of love), or the need to be loved, is indeed a force that is to be reckoned with. And you will appreciate how if handled either correctly or wrongly, how that need can either be a saving grace for humanity as a whole or be an apocalypse(a horrendous one) waiting to happen.
And since we know now that love truly does make the world go round, how have we contributed to its propagation? To that grumpy spouse or boss or neighbor, to that seemingly unruly child/teenager, to that distant person we cannot seem to reach and so we condemn the person because condemning/trashing a thing is way easier than trying to understand it, to the thieves and murderers and social villains, to those we should hate(for the gross wrongs done to us) or to those who we just love to hate(because it is convenient and politically correct to hate them even though they have done nothing to us personally)… How have we used love with regard to them? That need to be loved in them, and even the one in us, how have we handled it? Do we know that meeting that need in their lives automatically meets the same need in our own lives? We are all connected, all of us, do we not know this?
Whether you choose to give it out(love, I mean) or to hold back(your reasons are entirely yours to have on this score), the need to be loved cannot be denied. It is there and will always be there, staining our souls like permanent ink, pungent like the smell of ammonia, thriving in our atmosphere, in our world as we know it, and it will not go away. It is always there – the secret fuel that drives us. The more that we try to understand and embrace the reality that it is, the more we are better able to handle it. The more familiar and adept we will become in the art of loving, and of being loved in return. For it is one thing to give love, but receiving it… some of us don’t know how. Because though I am not an expert, though I am still grappling with the ambiguous nature of the word itself, I can see that we are making a huge mess of it… and we are oblivious to the fact.
So much for not dabbling into wordiness, yeah?
Forgive me, but the temptation to let it out, a throwing up of sorts, so that I can feel better, so that I can get respite from all the thoughts warring in my mind, so that finally… release can come. The temptation… the one that started before I went to shower… right after that glass(or glasses?) of sparkly I had.
This Rosé to be exact… André…
Very Andréliiiiiciiiiousss indeed!!!
Thank you for indulging me…
And the rambling continues next week.