It’s amazing how much you can discover about yourself merely by spending time with other people. By having a conversation. You are introduced to parts of you that you never knew existed. Basically a re-introduction to self. You see yourself in a new light, and it becomes a birthday of sorts for your mind. A mental milestone, to be sure.
Now, yesterday, I had such an experience. I was talking with a man. I know it seems like a random enough occurrence but not for me. Not in the general sense anyway. I mean, I talk with men everyday and intentions may be made known, but for a long time I have focused on getting my career on track and so many other things going on in my life so much that I hardly see them, the men. I used to think that I never met any. The proper ones I mean. But I was wrong. One and all, they are all the same to me. We meet, we chat, become friends, but when I notice that it could be something more, I withdraw my tentacles. If you ask me, I will probably tell you something about me discovering something(true of course) and not thinking I had the time for drama. But couldn’t I have given them a chance, I now wonder.
Now about the man I wrote that I was talking with. At first, like a dog shaking fleas off, it seemed like he was going to be shaken off as usual. But like dye to a cloth, he stuck. So we are friends now. Talking is bae. Openness and directness on point. Laughs here and there. But I noticed something. I feel awkward whenever he compliments me or tries to be tender. I cleverly look for a way to shrug it off, make light of it. I do not want to be told how ‘lovely’ a person I am. When he says endearing things and hints at something deeper between us, I recoil. I will talk about anything but when it comes to these things, I start to feel a tightness in my chest. At first it seemed to me that I was just doing word play with him. I was blunt(I usually am but here was a little more than normal), prompt, a tad unforgiving with my observations, and I didn’t care. I just wanted him to play his part quickly and go away so I could get back to my life. Today though, today… I discovered that if I let it, if I let this ‘thing’ flourish I mean, it might grow. Morph into something that I may not be able to control, something that could turn around later and maybe bite me in the ass, I dunno. Unimaginably afraid I became. Also, I discovered that he might not have been the only one. Some other men, and when it gets to the point where I think I might actually like them, I zap. I mean, better me than them right? I create a diversion and make them think they did it. Like Casper, I ghost. Back to my secure world of literature and music and cranberry juice and fruit diets. It had seemed like I was strong and in control. Like I was brave, taking charge of my life and securing my happiness, but today, I realized that all of that courage, all of that bravado, was just plain old fear.
I am very happy with my life. They way it is structured, maximum self-satisfaction and happiness is paramount. I have a system, and it works for me. I am content and I want nothing more. Now, to open my heart to another, to let that person into that sphere of content and personal bliss, to have to just include another, it scares me so much. What if I let him in, and tomorrow he shatters everything as he barges out? All my hard work… my peace of mind… my system… how will I be able to get it back if it is taken away from me? Who will save me if perhaps tomorrow it doesn’t work? I am a very deep person. So deep that nothing I do with my heart will ever be random. Experiences that back this claim up abound. I will pour my heart and soul into whatever it is… a person, a cause, whatever. So then, after pouring all of me out, after combining my essence with the essence of another, after spiriting away ME, and the person walks away, what will I have left? How do I regain that lost part of me? I will be like a deflated balloon. And hey, that scares me shitless. To be sure, there are some of us, who act brave all the time only because deep inside, they are really scared. Today, I discovered that I was scared. Seeing that I could possibly like this man has me properly terrified. For someone who is used to being so strong all the time, used to finding a way out of things, used to being the one people run to, a discovery like this, it has taken the wind out of my sails a bit. Caught me unawares it has. It feels like I’m sitting in a dark room, trying so hard to see my hands but I can’t. Even when I bring them close to my face, I still can’t see a thing. So all this time it has been fear and not courage as I had thought. Oh boy.
So yes, today, is a birthday of sorts for me… un cumpleaños. A new discovery about me, a metamorphosis(too dramatic?), my hydra just grew another head.
I do not know what will happen with the man. I have sort of told him about this discovery, that I didn’t want to communicate with him anymore, that it was easier that way… he won’t hear of it. He says he is confident. That I should lose the idea ASAP. I smiled at that. Losing the idea should only be so easy.
I am not sad. I am still the very happy me, flying from flower to flower, the butterfly that I am. Only now, this butterfly is stuck on a particular flower. Will she fly away? Will she flourish? I don’t know. All I know is that she is scared. And the fear, it is beastly. Will I embrace this? Will I run? Or will I just morph and become a part of it, will I let it take me? Again, I don’t know. All I know is that I am afraid to love. I want to, but heck, I am afraid. And like a child scared of the dark, I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through.
Happy birthday to me.
Bless your hearts for reading…
Me Love ya.