Fine fine day it was. Not a cloud in sight. I had just eaten fried rice, I was sipping the coldest sprite ever, and all was fab in my domain. I was listening to some rock oldies too. I had sailed through “Drops of Jupiter” by Train, “Here without you” by Three Doors Down, “Don’t look back in anger” by Oasis… However, getting to “The reason” by Hoobastank, I got stuck. I put it on repeat, that lovely song. Touching words. Rich vocals. And that was how this post came about. By getting stuck on a Hoobastank song. Corny much?
Year in, year out, you hear the most bizarre of tales. He did this… She did that… Can you imagine what they did? On and on it goes. Someone does something, boom! We react. It’s typical. There has to be a reaction. Lordy! Whatever happened to good old observation and proverbial chill pills?
Couple of weeks back, something happened between my two friends and I. One of them had told me a secret. A very sensitive one. I kept it well. Couple of weeks later though, when things got a bit rough for her and started spilling over, she told my other friend the ‘secret’ too. Now, the other friend was very mad. She was mad because according to her, she had been betrayed by us, being told the secret last and all(I think). LOL. Now, that got me low-key angry. Betrayal? From where to where? Was I supposed to have told her a secret that wasn’t mine to tell? Again, LOL. Even as I was the one who had been told the secret first, when the whole thing blew up, I discovered that I hadn’t even been told the whole secret in the first place. Heh heh heh. Was I mad? Heck no. Did I feel betrayed? Nay. How did I feel about the fact that I was also lied to(partially)? Unconcerned. Why? Why the heck not.
That which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.
See, she didn’t lie to me because she wanted to hurt me. She didn’t also lie to my other ‘betrayed’ friend because she wanted to betray her(oh, for the love of wine!!!). She didn’t tell her the secret because according to her, she was scared. Scared of being judged. That’s all. Why she lied to me, and didn’t give me the truthful time frame of how the secret had come about, I didn’t even ask. The fact that she didn’t do it to hurt me was all I cared about. While it was hard for the betrayed friend to forgive the secret teller one, it wasn’t even an issue for me. It’s funny how we always feel entitled to feel hurt. We hold on to it because somehow it makes us seem like we are not so bad… Like, we find a certain amount of justification in the hurt. Righteously so too.
Know this… both ladies are my friends. The secret teller, when we are together, we have a good time. Music, food, movies, trips to the mall at night, weird jokes. Those memories were way more important to me than the ‘lie’. I will always weigh whatever she does by those memories. Though I wasn’t pleased with how she handled things, it didn’t change how I felt about her. When people do apparently bad things to us, our initial reaction shouldn’t be to react. What we need to do, is ask questions. We need to FIND OUT why.
Because assumptions can be very dangerous and misleading.
Personally, when I’ve been lied to, I don’t immediately feel hurt. I honestly don’t. What I am more interested in is why the person lied. Was it to hurt me? To protect me? Was it because I am maybe not a trustworthy person? Based on these questions, finding out why becomes a need for me. The reason behind an action is always more important than the action itself. However bad an action may seem, wait. Like magic and physics, because for every magical trick you see, there is physics behind it, all may not really be as it looks. Again, wait. You may be amazed at your find.
Also, while there are a lot of bad people out there, there are also a lot of good people. Good people who may hurt you, but not on purpose. Will you then threaten fire and brimstone at the first sign of any apparent wrong doing? Do you realize how many times in your life time you would have to threaten though? Hah! You need to slow your roll. If you find out that the reason a wrong was done to you was actually to hurt you, Great. You can then feel free to act all the drama in the world. Spit fire, grow fangs, the whole works! But until then, find out the reason for the apparent treason, and try to Chillax(chill+relax) in the process.
Like the dog that had been protecting it’s owner’s baby from a wolf. It, the dog I mean, managed to kill the wolf. There was blood all over, even on the baby’s crib. Just then, the owner came in, and seeing all the blood, assumed that the dog had eaten her baby. She immediately clubbed the dog to death. Seconds after, she heard baby noises, looked in the crib, and there her baby was. Very much alive. How sad she was, how broken, for killing such a loyal dog. Her loss really.
We need to be careful. We need to come to terms with the imperfection of the human nature. Embrace it. Even at our best, we still hurt one another. Adopting this ‘reason’ modus operandi will help us live longer. We will find that we are able to forgive more. This is so because by the time you analyze wrongs done to you, you might find that none was actually done to hurt you. You will feel better and it becomes very easy to let go. You will also have no need to dispose of certain important people in your life because of any wrongs done… you get to KEEP them, regardless. You will also now understand that not every one has an agenda towards you. I live this way, and like a charm, it works. It might be hard to practise at first, but once you get the hang of it…
*He cheated? Cheating is wrong, yes, but the fault could be many things so find out why first.
*She stole? Find out why.
*They did time in prison? Find out why. Some innocents go to jail too.
*She yelled at you, embarrassed you? Find. Out. Why. She may have been having a bad day, absolutely nothing to do with you.
*Santa didn’t come to town? Too bad. Find out why. Maybe you haven’t been good. Or maybe one of the reindeer had a dentist’s appointment. Poor Santa.
This is not also disputing the fact that some people just do bad things to other people without thought, without reason. The abusers and all. From these, run like hell. Don’t ask why because there is no logic behind their actions. Just run away. Fly, if you can.
All things being equal, Whatever happens to and around you, don’t jump the gun.
Good, bad, ugly… JUST. FIND. OUT. WHY.
That ‘why’ could save a life and a half.