Today I remembered my bearded monster.
And I missed him.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up and totally feel different but today… now… I miss this monster.
Have you ever had someone in your life who was ‘supposedly’ bad for you? Who was everything you wanted but not everything you needed? Someone who was sweet and sour and good and prickly heaty all at once? Someone who stole a part of your brain such that even though you claim to have forgotten them, you actually still remember and hate yourself for it? Someone who you wouldn’t take back into your life but who is unwittingly still a part of it? Someone who had 90% bad vibes but still you managed to ferret out the 10% good and loved it? Someone who you hate from Monday to Saturday but fall in love with on Sunday?
Yes. That person is your monster.
Bearded, monstrous, lump-in-my-oats personality type person, curdled my blood now and again, made me taste bile off and on, yet, still the monster that I miss.
Stole essential parts of ME from ME he did, lied to me about things that he didn’t have to… because he didn’t know… couldn’t believe… that I would look at him, and love the monster that life made him out to be. He didn’t trust that abnormality loving part of me. So he became instead, not a monster that life fashioned, but a monster by his own hands.
By choice he morphed and by choice we were lost. By choice, I shut the door and asked him to lock it, only because there was no room for me to stay. By choice he took the key that I unwillingly offered, locked that door, and swallowed the key. By choice we have gone on with living on our own as though we didn’t once depend on each other to breathe… to stand… to live. By choice.
If today, I saw him on the street, I would walk past him. Wouldn’t bat an eyelid, nay, I wouldn’t. I can’t just up and take him. He can’t have me. Why cause ripples with my pebbles? All of that, it’s all gone and erased. Like demons, they have been cast out. I ‘loathe’ him(on that weird good-natured level that few people understand) every other day. He is like a pimple. Treated, cured, forgotten. No scars. I am happy and I imagine he is happy too.
On days when I least expect, days when I have no control over what happens, days like today, I remember my monster… and in that “aww shucks, I done did it again” way, I miss him. Like an icy shower on a slow morning, the reality is stark. I don’t fight it… no… I let it wash over me… because come tomorrow, I won’t even remember what it was I missed him for. Or will I?
He is not the monster under my bed. He is the monster of my heart. Monster so monstrous that he would make the bogey man and all his cousins green with envy. He is monster mine… the one that I miss today.
Thanks for reading guys!!!
All roads leading to next Wednesday for more rambling.
Love ya I do.